I’m doing that very wanky thing of looking back on the year that’s about to end but bear with me, ok? I’m not gonna be all LOOK HOW AWESOME I AM. After a lot of therapy, it turned out I’m actually really horrible to myself. So in an attempt to follow the advice my therapists gave me, I’m gonna engage in a much needed reality check about 2019, cutting myself some slack instead of listening to the voice in my head that says: “Do more, bitch!” and balancing out wins, losses, successes and failures of this 2019. #notyouraverageendofyearpost (hopefully)
What To Expect From This Post
This post isn’t an excuse to ask for your pity or praise, but just an exercise in being honest. I firmly believe that seeing other people post the most Insta-genic bits of their lives on social media might lead you to think you are somehow less successful, fit or worthy of love than them. Because I myself have had to do so much work – and still have to do so much work – to believe I am worthy of love, I want to give you a closer look at my 2019 to show you that my life, just like everyone else’s, is complex.
Every year we say: “Next year’s gonna be my year!” and then the year proceeds to be as shite as the previous one. But my 2019, although challenging, smashed all of my expectations.
For my birthday, my dear friend Penny got me this hilarious Perpetual Disappointments Diary by Nick Asbury and that got me thinking about my own disappointments. Whether I’m catching up with my loved ones or with people I haven’t seen in a while, the common feeling seems to be: “You’ve been doing so well!”
And yes, for the first time since I moved to London to go to university in 2011 I feel like I am. But the fact that this year has blown my mind and smashed all my expectations doesn’t mean I consider myself successful, or that I feel like I’ve “arrived”, or that I’m not disappointed by myself or what life throws at me. So I thought in this post I could let you in on why I personally think I’m not there yet, while also engaging in some humble bragging because CBT told me so, and gratitude, yada yada.
2019: Failures
My 2019 didn’t exactly start with rainbows and sparkles. I remember crying at New Year’s Eve – not sure why, but it must have had something to do with being knackered, feeling lonely and emotionally overwhelmed while still pursuing all my dreams and jobs to pay the bills (my PhD, lecturing, researching, freelancing, blah blah). Since mid-November, I’d started on a course of talking therapy where I had to relive all the traumas I had suppressed, like memories from the abusive relationship I was in or other stuff I hadn’t processed but that really tarnished my self-worth. Years on, that was fucking hard and I was a hot mess.
The new year really started in a dark place. More often than not, I was crying on the floor by myself, unable to do much. There was a point where my mum and I went to Rome to visit my grandparents and I spent a day crying and having so many panic attacks that I freaked her right out. She’d never seen me like that, because that side of me was something I would hide. I felt it wasn’t something I could show to others, and as someone with a loving family, a roof over my head and a relatively flexible lifestyle, I had no right to feel like that.
Eventually things got better (more on that later) but with 2019 coming to an end, I still haven’t reached my definition of success, which is getting a literary agent to help me publish my next novel the traditional way. I know I have achieved a lot this year, and I am proud of it, but I feel like everything I do is targeted towards that: towards being able to publish in a way I can reach more audiences. To have a physical book with my name on it out there.
There were times where I almost thought it was gonna happen. I’ve had a few agents ask me for the full manuscript – you normally send the first three chapters, then get an answer like three months later which is usually: “No thanks, bye” and getting asked to send the full thing is pretty big. BUT no agent yet – not in 2019, it seems.
I feel like I’m somehow on the right track because my rejection letters are getting more personal, which means my pitches are improving. And I do feel like, because of the attention surrounding other stuff that I do, hopefully, at SOME POINT, someone will take me on. But for now it’s all no no no, and it’s frustrating.
The book wasn’t my only 2019 disappointment. Some of the academic papers I’ve written were rejected this year, I was turned down from a conference in Canada I really wanted to go to and, once again, I didn’t make it into Dance Filthy, the competition I really want to do at least once in my life.
Plus, after years of not being able to open up with someone, I really fell for a guy who didn’t fall for me. He could have been more considerate, but I guess our wires got crossed, and it’s not really his fault but I expected things could have developed in a way he didn’t really see them developing. And that really sucked, because it was someone I really admired.
So, yes, I am thriving, maybe. But what you see on Instagram isn’t always the whole truth, and I don’t bombard you with sad shiz because OMG life is depressing enough without me videoing myself while having a panic attack. Which I probably couldn’t do anyway because my focus is elsewhere. #hyperventilating
2019: Wins
But let’s ditch the doom and gloom, shall we? Now that I look back, 2019 was blooming marvelous. I mean, the girl who cried at New Year’s Eve couldn’t even imagine her year would have ended up being this cool. Which is a lesson in itself: there’s so much pressure on that one day, that one party, but a year can start like crap and end up quite ok.
I am so glad I went into therapy – both talking therapy and, subsequently, CBT. If I hadn’t, I probably wouldn’t have been able to handle the increasing number of things thrown at me during the year. I wouldn’t have handled work anxiety, uncertainty, and the pile of things accumulating on my plate. So I’m giving myself a pat on the back for making the uncomfortable and challenging decision of investing in myself that way.
One thing that really emerged especially from talking therapy is that I wouldn’t treat the people I loved the way I treat myself, I wouldn’t judge them and push them the same way. So the second half of 2019 was all about self-love, trying to convince myself that I’m a nice person and act accordingly.
I noticed things started turning early in Spring. I got into two pole competitions – Floorplay in the Semi-Pro category and Exotic Generation 1.0 in the New Face category – and I performed at two showcases, the PD Filthy Friday one and the Exotica Pole Dance one.
In this tiring but rewarding 2019, I was one of the academics selected to present their papers at a huge tech conference… which resulted in a fully-sponsored trip to Iceland and the publication of one of my papers.
Another one of the academic papers originating from my PhD was published in a major academic journal. Another one of my papers – a super geek thing looking at a Facebook group blending memes from Drag Race and Twin Peaks – is out now in a collection on RuPaul’s Drag Race and philosophy. I presented at a massive criminology conference in Ghent, Belgium (another fully paid trip, thanks uni!) and I’ve just learnt I’ll be speaking at a conference on algorithm bias next term.
In the summer, my blog started doing really well in terms of views and engagement, and I started getting asked to comment on everything pole dancing related – even on J.Lo’s performance in Hustlers! WTF! I am not worthy. My post about the shitshow that was the first Exotic Generation went viral (in small, pole dance blogging terms lol), and my work on the shadowban of pole dancers and sex workers – which started in March 2019, when the first news of the shadowban first broke – started getting noticed.
This shadowban stuff is where I felt something really click. For the first time, Academic Carolina and Carolina the pole dancer were in the same room. I started to decompartmentalise – my partner’s word, not mine – so to join different aspects of my life together. It was thanks to my past in PR and to my research on online abuse and content moderation that I got really into algorithm bias and Instagram’s sexist moderation policies.
After joining a team made of people who got almost 20,000 signatures on Change.org for IG to stop censoring pole dancers, we obtained an official apology from Instagram through this blog – which, we can all agree, is just damage control and PR spiel on their side, but still pretty huge. Instagram have been ghosting me since then – lol – but as a result we were covered in everything from the Canadian News to the Huffington Post.
After making all that noise, and after arguing the shadowban doesn’t affect just pole dancers but many other groups and marginalised communities, we created EveryBODYVisible, a team I’m incredibly proud to be part of. As a result of that, we were covered in everything from the BBC to the Daily Mail, and even my idol and the reason I started performing, Dita Von Teese, joined our protest on International Internet Day 2019. Yup, I ugly cried when that happened.
The campaign is ongoing and we are determined to give a voice to people that Instagram has decided to silence. Through this blog and through my academic work too, the fight is still ongoing. Quite surprisingly, as a result of my activism, I also won the Sexual Freedom Awards 2019 in the Activist of The Year category, winning a stunning flying penis trophy and with the knowledge that my former media law lecturer was one of the judges. That really felt like coming full circle.
Partly because of this blog growth, throughout 2019 I was approached by a variety of brands and pitched for a few successful partnerships that are helping me break even. I became a brand ambassador for Tats & Tissels and started writing about all sorts of things I never thought I’d write about. From pole shoes to sex toys, from tourism boards to slinky outfits, from pole bibles to Christmas Gift Guides including lingerie and tights, from brand new pole competitions to sparkling wine, from yoga classes to CBD Oil this year I really feel like you’re getting to hear about bloggeronpole.com even outside of the pole dance community.
Last but not least, in 2019 a dream I never thought would come true this early actually did come true: I became a pole instructor. When I started my PhD, I decided I was going to use the flexibility given to me by the academic life to really push pole and get better at it. But pole certifications are expensive, and there aren’t many places to teach in London. Luckily, with a lot of support and tough love, Veronica from Exotica Pole Dance in Hackney Wick trained me and turned me into a tricks and exotic instructor. I never thought this could be a thing, but I’m loving it. And I can feel myself improving day by day, both in my dancing and my teaching.
It all became apparent on the day of the studio showcase, where my friends and one of the directors of a documentary about me that’s in the works came to see me. They all said: “I’ve never see you enjoy yourself so much on stage.” And that was the truth. I had stopped worrying about whether I was good enough. I just had fun. And it showed.
And last but not least, I found someone I love and who loves me back. We’re good for each other, and I’m no longer afraid of opening up. So thank you, 2019.
What I Want From 2020
In 2019, the losses really burned and the wins really got me high; the low points were really, depressingly low. I hope this post gave you an idea of the human behind this blog and connected social media accounts.
I am not going to give myself any ridiculous goals for 2020. I just want to be more in tune with my body and with my mind, so that when I’m physically and mentally exhausted, I don’t go injure myself like I did this year or flip so much I scare the people around me.
So towards that, here are my goals.
- I am going to go for a sports massage each month and train my bad side a lot more, so that my body isn’t too imbalanced towards the left.
- I’m gonna go on journalling with the lovely journals I got for my birthday to keep track of my feelings and remind myself I’m an ok person who achieves some stuff, and that I am enough.
- I am going to cut myself some slack and be honest with friends when I need to stop being people’s therapist.
- On that, I will start accepting that no matter what I achieve or do not achieve, I am worthy of love and that I’m an ok person who deserves what she has.
- I am only going to take in stuff that makes me proud, gives me money or an orgasm. I’m going to increase my rate without feeling ashamed of it, whether that’s for a performance or at work.
- Pole wise, I’m going to try to perform more in stage / cabaret settings where I can put on a show and have fun without tiring myself out with the pressure of a competition… but I am going to apply for Eden Pole Competition and for Dance Filthy again. Lol.
- Ideally, I’d like to finish my PhD so I can go all Doctor Carolina on you. But seriously, finishing my PhD would mean being able to apply for more stable academic jobs, and the Goddess knowns I need stability. Badly. Plus, I’m at 90,000 words by now and I’ve done all my data collection, so hopefully it’s just a matter of fine-tuning it.
- And finally, CAN LITERARY AGENTS PLEASE STAND UP? I really wanna find an agent this year and get my detective stories out there for realz. I’ve written one and a half already, for fuck’s sake.
Happy holidays and NY people xxx
You know, it was part of your failures section, but I consider rejection letters a sign of success (you kind of touched on that, too, so I’m sure you feel at least somewhat the same). Any time you put yourself out there, it shows bravery, perseverance, and dedication to your craft, and I consider those all very big wins, especially as someone surrounded by way too many people who just refuse to try. So keep rocking it, because you are definitely somebody who inspires me to keep pushing and do better.
That’s really kind 🙂 thank you so much! Fingers crossed for the new year for both of us!
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